Worst pain most easily forgotten

Published on May 20, 2014 by a.simple.mamaLeave a comment

When I was pregnant with J I had lots of people tell me stories about their labor. Most of them ended with “it’s the worst pain most easily forgotten.” That’s a hard thing to believe when you are awaiting your own impending “worst pain” moments. The anticipation for the impending pain makes you over think how the whole birthing process will go, and if you are choosing to use a epidural you will be sure that you have that plan locked in place with everyone that will be involved in the birth. My sister-in-law is only 4 weeks away from her due date and she was telling me the other day how she’s becoming almost obsessive about going into labor and can’t stop thinking about the pain part. I’m sure that I had the same worries and obsessions in the days leading up to J’s birth, but for the life of me I can’t really remember.

There it is. It’s been 11 months and I can’t remember anything about the pain. Not really specifically at least. I remember that when my water broke I was sleeping and I woke up with a start cuz it was a quick sharp pain. I remember feeling like they were the worst cramps ever when I started having contractions, and I remember that sitting in the bath tub didn’t help a *$&%*& bit with the pain. But as far as the severity of the pain, I don’t have an answer anymore for what it actually felt like. Bad cramps doesn’t translate when you’re trying to describe it to someone else who’s about to experience it for themselves. And “it feels like your insides are being ripped out” seems way to harsh and not even close to the truth. Yup, I’d say that statement is pretty accurate. Unless you’ve actually had your arm cut off while you were awake with no drugs, labor probably is the worst pain. And it’s also the one that you forget about the quickest and easiest.

Granted I did have an epidural, so I can’t compare myself to someone who’s done a natural birth. Then again everyone’s pain levels are different, so what was an 8 for me could be a 4 for someone else. I don’t think there’s really a way to compare or prepare for what you are about to experience. Thankfully you are so overwhelmed and distracted by everything else going on – pushing, breathing, getting to the hospital, all the nurses coming and going, the actual arrival of your little one – that you won’t really remember the pain after the moment that your little baby is placed in your arms. The greatest reward indeed. Thank goodness that all that crap you have to go through leads up to that little one. Otherwise I swear no one would do it…haha

I think the best thing to do is make a plan, if you’re a planner, so that you can be a little more relaxed going into the whole thing. It’ll keep you focused and give you some relief…at least leading up to going into labor. After that, it’s a total crap shoot. Sorry to break it to you, but chances are that no matter what you “planned”, it’s not going to go that way. But if making a plan gives you some peace of mind, then do it. Just also be aware that your plan will go out the window the second your water breaks.

Enjoy the ride though, it’s over far too quickly.

Scheduling Conflicts

Published on May 16, 2014 by a.simple.mamaLeave a comment

The moment you become a parent all your priorities change. I know, captain obvious over here, right? But seriously, you don’t really realize how much everything in your life will revolve around your little one. If you used to have a social life, you won’t anymore. If you used to have free time, kiss it goodbye. If you used to have time to sit around and do nothing, consider yourself lucky cuz you’ll never see that again. At least not for the next 18 years.

It is easier to some degree when you little ones are newborns because they do sleep a lot. More often than not really. And they tend to be able to sleep through just about anything. Take full advantage of that, because once they become mobile you’re really in trouble…However, while it is easier to travel with then when they are younger, you will still struggle with it. For instance, when they are really tiny you spend 75% of your time feeding them, and if you are breastfeeding and have any issue with whipping out your boob in public (cover or not) you will probably try and schedule your day so that you are not out of the house for more than 1 hour at a time. Add in being an overwhelmed new mama and you probably won’t be able to handle leaving the house with more than one errand in mind without totally breaking down into a sobbing mess. To the outside world it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to leave the house with an infant. But let me tell you right now, it takes as much time to get out the door as it does to run whatever errand you have planned. So one errand can be a half-day marathon. By the time you get the little one changed, dressed, fed, and yourself ready to go, it’s time to feed them again and you’re lucky if you get out the door anywhere near the time you planned.

Once they stop needing to eat every hour, and once you get a system down for leaving the house, it does get a bit easier. And they will still sleep just about anywhere. We took J to a bar (real bar, not like in a restaurant) when he was about 3 months old. He slept through most of it. Amazing. Although we did feel like we were “those parents” who brought their newborn to a bar…

Once they get mobile though it’s a whole ‘nother ball game. Yes, they can entertain themselves for a bit longer in the car seat while you drive (sometimes), and now you can take them out of the car seat instead of carrying that extra 10 lbs wherever you go, but it takes 2 times as much work and as much muscle to take them anywhere. Chances are they won’t sit in the high chair at the restaurant, or sit in the seat of the grocery cart for more than a few minutes…so get used to carrying them e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. Oh, and they get vocal too. Yup, you will be that parent who’s kid is screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of the store. The first time it happens you’ll totally lose your cool too. Get used to it. It happens to the best of us.

All that being said, what does happen to your social life? Remember when you used to go out to dinner or catch a movie with friends on the weekends? Well, you may be lucky enough to still get a chance to do that…when you can find a sitter, or as long as the kiddo isn’t sick, or if your friends are willing to catch the matinee so that you can be home by 7pm for bedtime. If you have really great friends, they’ll totally be willing to take whatever time you have available. You’ll also have some friends that will drop off the face of the planet since you “don’t have time for them anymore”. Sorry, I have more important things to focus on now days…

It’s not that parents don’t want time out with friends. We do. We like seeing our friends, we like going out with just adults sometimes. But other times we are perfectly content with staying home to feed out little ones dinner, give them a bath, put them in bed at 7pm and spend the next hour vegged on the couch until we pass out ourselves.

You’ll also find that it becomes harder to schedule time to see your friends who also have kids. Unless you share the exact same sleep, eat, play, poop schedule with your friends kiddos, you’ll be trying to figure out a time where all the kiddos will be awake at the same time. This tends to be even more difficult as the age groups vary. Nap times become the deciding factor in what your availability is. Sure, you can shift a nap back or skip one all together, but only if you’re really willing to deal with a totally out of control kid the rest of the day. You’d be amazed how missing one normally schedule nap will screw with everything from there on out. So us parents try to avoid that at all cost. Which unfortunately means that you’ll miss out on lots of play dates and birthday parties.

You’ll also find that it’s hard not to judge other parents. Or you friends. And other parents and your friends will judge you too. It’s hard not to be able to find the time for everyone and everything every time. You have to somehow learn to take advantage of the time that you do have with those people and that even though it’s few and far between now, it’s still valuable. Besides, the ones that stick around through all your scheduling conflicts are the ones worth keeping around anyway.

Warning: Mommy Button

Published on May 14, 2014 by a.simple.mama2 Comments

I’m going to try and write this post without sounding like I’m just whining and complaining. That’s really not my point for this, although I’m sure that’s how I sounded today while this was happening.

For the last 2 days at the office I’ve been spending more time than not trying to get our network and internet to work. I consider myself to be pretty computer savvy really, and I can figure out most things. But the last two days I’m pretty sure I’ve turned into a raving maniac. Anyway…needless to say I’ve been a little preoccupied and more on edge and easily aggravated than per usual. Although this specific situation may not happen to all mama’s out there, I’m sure that we’ve all been in similarly stressful situations.

About 2/3 through the day I was hitting my stress-high for the afternoon. It also happened to be when J was a little bit fussy. So, I put him in his pack-n-play which is right in my office and gave him a few toys so that he could somewhat occupy himself for a few minutes while I tried to get through some more *&@#*^$ computer stuff. Well he continued to fuss a little, mainly because I wasn’t giving him my full attention. I get it, I know sometimes babies need your undivided attention. But right at this moment I was not in a place where I was willing or able to do that for a short period of time. He was safe in his crib and had plenty to keep himself busy for a few minutes.

Well, it must have seemed apparent to everyone else in my office that I was ignoring J’s needs. Next thing I know, everyone is swooping in and taking him out of his crib with “aww mommy’s not giving you enough attention” streaming from their mouths…

NO, right now, at this particular moment I am not giving him enough attention. He is fine being by himself for a few minutes. Yes, I know it’s hard to hear him fuss. He will be just fine. I’m right here, I will give him attention in a minute when I’m done with this task.

As if I didn’t feel guilty enough already!

Now I also know that they were just trying to help keep him occupied so that I could actually focus, but unfortunately this must be another one of my Mommy Buttons. I should have a warning sign that says:

I’m pretty sure that it all stems from the guilt. Guilt that we can’t give our little ones our undivided attention 100% of the time. Guilt that the attention we can give them isn’t as much as they’d like or need. Mommy guilt. Then mommy guilt turns into “someone telling you that you’re not being a good enough parent” syndrome.

But I also think it’s important to teach your little ones that it’s OK for them to spend a few minutes by themselves. They need to learn to be able to sit quietly and entertain themselves while Mommy or Daddy are working, or cooking dinner, or whatever else requires them to not be able to give 100% of their attention to the little one.

At least that’s how I’m rationalizing it to make myself feel better. Mommy guilt doesn’t go away quickly or easily.

I’m finding that it’s hard not to take everything having to do with my parenting skills or style personally. It’s hard not to internalize a little comment or act of judgement or even a simple suggestion on how else you should/could do things. As parents we do the best we can with what we have. We do what we think is right for our kids. And yes, sometimes we have to make a judgement call and teach our kiddos the hard way that we can’t spend 100% of our time focused on them.

My first Mother’s Day

Published on May 11, 2014 by a.simple.mama1 Comment

This is my first official Mother’s Day. Last Mother’s Day I was still preggers, so Yes I was a mother already, but it didn’t hold the same weight. After almost a year of being a Mama to little J, I can’t imagine any other way of life. I don’t remember what the Hubs and I used to do with our free time, I don’t remember how I used to go about my day without J being involved in every part of it. It’s amazing how much your life changes when you become a Mama.

Mother is a verb. It’s something you do. Not just who you are. – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

There are a few things I’ve learned in the last year. Being a parent changes a lot of things, but these come to mind.

Even though you mastered snaps so long ago you can’t remember, You will come to find out that those 3 snaps on the bottom of a onsie are your arch-enemy during middle of the night diaper changes and all of toddlerhood.
Velcro can be a blessing and a curse. Velcro shoes are nice and quick. But Velcro on diapers runs in the same family as snaps during diaper changes. Try getting the Velcro secured with a squirming infant. Just try.
Remember how you used to get to sleep in? Emphasis on USED TO. Like you will never get to do this again.
Get used to worrying. There’s no use trying to deny it or block it. You have a person that will continue to give you crease lines on your forehead for the rest of eternity.
You will get dirty. If you are squeamish about blood, boogers, poo, pee, vomit or drool you’ll need to get over it. Like, Now.
You will know no greater love for any single thing in this world.
Trying to teach good sleeping habits to your child will make you think you’ve forgotten that you even know what good sleeping habits are. After all, how long has it been since you got a full nights sleep?
Leaving your child with someone else for the first time will break your heart a little. But it’ll get easier
Temper tantrums will happen. And they’ll start way earlier than you think is possible. Figure out a way to diffuse them, quickly.
You’ll learn how to eat with one hand, type with one hand, shower quickly, and use the bathroom with the door open from the time they are born until they are old enough to entertain themselves….sooo 18 years?
Every time your little ones goes to sleep through the first year (and probably beyond) You’ll find yourself glued to the baby monitor to make sure they are still breathing.
When (if) your child finally sleeps through the night for the first time, you’ll probably lose more sleep than usual because you’ll be checking on them every few hours to make sure they are actually just sleeping.
Grandparents are one of the best gifts your children can have in life. Let your kids be spoiled, loved, and given everything that only a Grandparent can give.
Remember to take some time away with your hubby. It’ll be like you’re dating again. You’ll have to learn to be with just each other all over again.

I’m sure I could keep going, but I think you get the point. Being a Mother is a gift you can’t put into words.

To my own Mama,
Thanks Mums for always being there,
for teaching me so much,
for being my shoulder to cry on and my best friend.

Love you.

C-Section

Published on May 10, 2014May 10, 2014 by a.simple.mamaLeave a comment

When I was pregnant with J I knew that I was going to want an epidural. No question in my mind that I wasn’t ready for a natural childbirth and so for me, I always planned on the epi. When I went into labor they were sure J was going to be born within about 6 hours from my water breaking, he was moving along pretty quick. But I didn’t get my epidural until 8-9 cm and then it was overkill and I completely lost feeling and the ability to push effectively. So my labor stalled. 12 hours into labor I was finally able to push and pushed for 2 hours with no significant movement.

My midwife had told me at my 39 week appointment that J’s head was on the large side. Well apparently my pelvis, while plenty wide, is also oval-shaped. Something I’d have no way of knowing…until I tried to give birth.After 14 hours of labor, even the vacuum didn’t help any and the decision was made to take me in for a c-section. There was no way that J was coming out as planned.

I’d never really thought too much about a c-section. Mainly because I didn’t think there was any significant risk of needing one. I didn’t have any specific ill-thoughts or feelings about c-sections either though. Beyond not wanting to go all-natural, I didn’t have a specific idea of how my birthing plan would be carried out. When my midwife told me that I would need a c-section after all, she approached it with some apprehension. I think a lot of mothers who go through the initial parts of labor and really disappointed when they have to go through a c-section too. I appreciated that she approached it carefully and explained to me what was happening and that J just wasn’t going to fit through the birth canal. C-section really wasn’t an option at this point, it was mandatory.

My c-section went smoothly, and besides being really exhausted after 14+ hours of labor and then a major surgery, I didn’t have any regrets at the time. The only major disappointment I had was that I wasn’t able to hold my own baby until an hour after they pulled him out of me. I made sure that I was allowed skin-on-skin as soon as possible and he breastfed fine, but I missed out on that whole first hour. Luckily Daddy got to be with him during that time so they could stitch me back up.

Yesterday I shared this post from Facebook:

Five Things You Should Not Say to a Cesarean Mom and Three Things You Should

I don’t specifically remember comments that I’ve made in the past to friends who’ve had c-sections. Nor do I specifically remember comments that were made to me after my own c-section. But the article did get me thinking back to my experience and how these five things affect me now.

#1 is a very valid point in my mind. Everyone’s experience with birth is different. Some people have it really “easy” with no complications, and some people struggle with birth or recovery. Comparing one birth to another is as valid as comparing a fruit to meat. Just don’t do it.

#2. Yes, very true, but don’t forget that birth is a very important experience to moms, dads, family members. If you had a very specific birth plan in place and you were forced to change it, that’s a hard thing to quickly get over. Consider the mother’s feelings, especially since she birth is exhausting.

#3 If someone would have said this to me I would have either slapped them or not spoken to them for a very long time. Seriously? Who in their right mind would say something like this to a new mom riddled with hormones and postpartum symptoms?

#4 If you really want a c-section by choice, that’s your own prerogative. Maybe that’s in your own birth plan. But don’t cheapen our experience by making it sound like a c-section is the “best” way to give birth.

#5 Some people connect more to their c-sections than others. For some it is a reminder that things didn’t go quite the way they planned or envisioned. For others it may be a way that they can look back on a wonderful gift. I personally have no attachment to my scar other than it being a story to someday tell my little one(s). To each their own.

If you really want to talk to a new mama about her birth story, c-section or otherwise, please keep in mind that new mama’s are very sensitive, overly emotional (rightly so) and sleep deprived. Be careful with what you say and how your words may come off as judgmental. Be supportive and listen to what mama has to say about her experience. Unless she asks, she probably doesn’t give a rats ass about your own thoughts or opinions on the matter.

When baby #2 for us happens, I will tell my midwife that I’d like to try for a VBAC first. Unless the next one has a head the size of a watermelon too, I’m hopeful that I’ll get to experience a vaginal birth. My midwife did tell me that the chances of needing a second c-section are higher if you’ve already had one, and that if we are planning on more than 2 kids we will need to discuss the risks of a possible 3rd pregnancy or c-section. We’ll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.